Just having gotten back from London and having to jump straight into the show season was intimidating, to say the least. Considering it was the first show I have competed in since breaking my collarbone, calling me a nervous wreck was being polite. I was an absolute mess.

The goal of this show was twofold: to get me back in the ring after my injury, and to work on my habit of riding backwards and then running toward the distance I saw two strides away.Β 

This being said, the week started off okay. I mean, I wasn’t eating and was nauseous and shaky, but that’s besides the point. After getting 4 time faults in my 8:15 am 1.10 meter class, I managed to get second in my A/A class, thanks to it being Table IIA and me not having any time to panic excessively. Not too shabby for not being in the show ring for four months, am I right? Therefore I think it’s safe to say that my first goal was definitely accomplished. It could only go up from here!

Nope. I was wrong. My class on Saturday resulted in me getting a refusal and having to circle, making it so that I racked up time faults on top of my already-faulted-score. I was mad, upset, and took it all out on myself, infuriating my trainer and causing me to lose any and all confidence the previous day had started to build back up. This feeling continued into dinner that night, an early birthday dinner for myself,Β and despite the conversation and delicious food I was shakier than ever going into Sunday.

Ah, Sunday. I got another refusal in the $2,500 classic, but rode well up until then, so that was progress. (Goal number two, nailed it!) I managed to keep moving forward through the entire 1.15 meter course and was right on target up until I got stuck on a nine/eight stride bending line to a two stride and Cassandro started moving sideways. But baby steps, right? Well, I fell off in my division later. Don’t worry, I landed mostly on my feet and was relatively unscathed. But it did scare me, and it worries me to know that I am so unconfident after this weekend.

Hopefully things get better by Thursday when I enter the ring again, but until then myΒ nerves will be running rampant. Sorry for the very honest and down post today, but this is realistic: not every show will be your best, and not every single day can be perfect. It’s about moving forward, in any way you can.